Very stressful these days..............

Very stressful these days.
Seems that I cannot write in Chinese anymore.
English is something that is distant from me, only used when I don’t want it to be me.
The distant between me and English just like me and the real me. English makes me easy since I don’t have to face myself.

My brain is filled up with medical issues, leaving me no time to think, to rest and to contemplate about myself.

Very abnormally, I am not interested in public issues anymore. I feel like I am not the usual me. All I want to do is to fill up my mind with medical terms. Seems like a force that pushes me into it.

I have to admit that I’m really not interested in these medical terms. But in these days, I am so freaking out to search for medical information. Of course, part of it is due to pressure from instructor. But, when I think of my last clinical practice, the situation is different.

Last time, I feel good to search for medical knowledge. But for this time, I feel exhausted when doing so. Hatred is involved in the process. Even so, I still force myself doing it, seems like I become addicted to this. But, I can’t withdraw from this even for hard feelings arose.

I feel very uncomfortable to do things that is medically unrelated. I cannot calm down to read things I like, and write things I want. I cannot get into myself, and write about my internal feelings. I cannot concentrate and feels like there are things for me to prepare and finish. But, those things are just too much for me to accomplish.

Just want to escape from the present life. Never feel like this before. I just want to write things I like, read things I like, listen to music I like, travel to place I like. This is my own style to live. The stress makes me feel like a loss in all parts of my life.

It is my everyday task to count down for the number of clinical practice days. It’s hard to make it through when life is hard. 11 days to go. 4 days in CNS is not counted, I take CNS as a break, or at least a change. Away from the stressful environment at least.

11 days to go. Be strong AR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!